Dragon Age 2: Goodbye
by Bettycake
Summary: When all was said and done, Kirkwall was just a memory. Ferelden would always be Hawke's home and her future, and her legacy, would remain there.


**AN: This was originally intended to be a one-shot but has gone on far longer than I planned. I have therefore, started to divide it into short chapters. I can't give too much about the plot away on here, as that would spoil the surprise! Suffice to say, it is a work of my imagination, (non -cannon) set after the events in Kirkwall.**

**Thank you for taking the time to read. I'd appreciate any feedback you have to offer. It's always good to hear from readers.**

I knew a woman once. A fine woman, a beautiful woman. A woman whose goodness touched the souls of everyone she met and whose heart knew no bounds when it came to compassion.  
That woman taught me what it was to love and to be loved and, had I not known her, I feel certain that my life would have become just another victim of my own bitter rage.  
If I where to remember nothing of my past it would matter not, as long as my future had her in it. To be around her was a joy and a privilege and to imagine a life bereft of her voice, of her smiling eyes, would be to lay down ones arms and abandon the fight. She gave me strength, she accepted me for what I was and she showed me the way.  
Now, she is gone and, as I write this, I fear I have not the will to continue on the path she set before us. For without her I am nothing more than a memory and those have caused more confusion than I care to remember.

I should tell you a little of the woman I will always love. There would seem to be no better time than this to introduce you. I am confident that when you know who she was, you will come to love her as much as I.

That most memorable of nights in Kirkwall, I had almost given up hope of finding anyone that would assist in my endeavour. It seemed like I would always live my life on the run. Moving from place to place, desperately attempting to outmanoeuvre the master of tactical manoeuvres. I had employed the service of Anso, a dwarf of a rather nervous disposition, to seek out a person of some skill to act as a distraction. My requirements where quite simple. Keep the blades and arrows of the Tevinter Hunters occupied long enough for me to discover the whereabouts of my former master. If it could buy me a little respite to plan my next move, it seemed adequate enough at the time. I had lived from one moment of freedom to the next ever since my escape from slavery, so this was a way of life I had grown accustomed to. Habitually seeking out information and gaining the relevant knowledge to remain one step ahead.  
As I listened from the shadows to the melee playing out in the clearing, it became apparent that the dwarf had more than succeeded in earning his coin. I knew the hunters well enough to know when defeat was more than a mere possibility. Had I known Anso would find me a woman so capable I may not have felt the need to deceive her. That night, when I looked upon her captivating face for the first time, she pledged her aid against my nemesis at the mere mention of slavery and I think it was at that moment I fell in love, though I would not come to realise it for some time.

During the years that I spent in Hawke's company, defending a people and a way of life I had learnt to despise, I dare say that a portion of her spirit and her humility rubbed off on my own character. Perhaps to our fellow companions my newly acquired 'gleam' was unapparent. I realise my many years of slavery and repressed bitterness never quite relinquished their hold on my demeanour . To most people I was always the brooding Elf, the one to whom a person may have to watch what they said, lest the Lyrium beneath my skin betray the seething resentment within. However, to my beautiful Hawke I was a better man. She alone saw the transformation in me and recognised that a light was moving into the dark places. I wonder now though, if she was ever truly aware that I had borrowed that light from her. Though I fought tirelessly at her side for the rights of Mages in Thedas, in truth, I found myself wanting when it came to adopting her unfaltering belief. The belief that had carried her through more tests of her convictions than I could often bare to watch her endure.  
Yet fight she did, and I have long since reconciled that I would have stood shoulder to shoulder with her through the Void itself. The time for questioning my beliefs has long since passed and you should know that my support for her was eternal, no matter the cause.

And so I followed my heart and my light. My nightmares took place in a world where she didn't exist, had never existed. I feared the shadows returning once more should the flame be extinguished. I placed my trust in her and not once did she prove undeserving, though many times I'm sure I gave her pause to question the danger of loving one such as myself. To me she was the most beautiful creature to ever exist. How could I be anything more than a disappointment in her eyes? Many times I would gaze into those brown eyes and see my reflection there. The self that stared back at me should have appeared shallow and translucent, and yet somehow, her unending trust gave me form, made me whole. Yes, it is true that light of hers carried me further than I'd ever felt I could go. What would happen should it go out?

When we left Kirkwall after the great battle, our minds overflowing with unspoken anxiety, the lives of Hawke and I, of our fellows, where to be forever changed. Not one among us knew what the future held in store. Indeed, we where not even certain of our destination at that point.  
Where it not for Isabella's 'fortunate' acquisition of the fastest ship on the sees, I doubt we'd have even escaped with our lives. Another waif and stray who owed her life and liberty to Hawke, Isabella took the chance to repay her friend with vigour as we ran through the streets of Kirkwall to the docks where her pride was anchored. I believe it was the first time I had seen Hawke surrender the lead to another. I could tell that she was battle weary. Her body was fighting fit as always but I was anxious at the strain on her face. Had our flight for freedom not been so urgent I'd have taken her in my arms and held her until the worry lines had faded and her familiar smile returned. Perhaps I leant on that stalwart expression too much. It made me uneasy in it's absence.

From the deck we watched our adopted home gradually fade from view. Varric, Aveline, Merrill, Hawke and I, in communal silence as the lights of Kirkwall became a distant hint of what had come to pass. Isabella, never one to allow her thoughts to linger on past events, immersed herself wholeheartedly in the task of being Captain to her crew. Setting course and delegating duties with all the enthusiasm of one without a care in the world. Anders, the Mage that had been the cause of it all, stood apart from the rest of us. It was no secret that I offered this man no accord. Now less than ever. No distance between us would have been too far and, would that I had my choice, he'd have been left in Kirkwall to face the consequences of his actions.  
He was the only cause I'd ever had to doubt Hawke's ability to reason. At times I admired her unwavering support of him and his 'lost' cause. During my weaker moments, to my shame, I'd succumbed to pangs of jealousy. She devoted so much of herself to him. He'd never hidden his affection for her and I have to admit I was as much a man as any other when it came to Hawke. I couldn't bare the thought of them 'spending time' together, the way she and I did.  
Of course, in my heart I knew that would never happen. She and her love for me where the one true constant in my life. One moment in her company and those pangs where exiled from my mind, for a time!  
His presence with us on the ship that night, however, was not so easily accepted, by others as well as myself. Aveline could not even bare to look in his direction. Sometime, whilst we had been embroiled in the battle at the Gallows, her beloved husband Donnic, a member of the city guard, had been leading a small contingent of his comrades following orders. Avelines orders, to retain order in Lowtown. Charged with the safety of civilians, he'd bravely defended a young mage girl as a group of rebel Templars had set upon her in force. Hawke received word of this tragic turn of events as we reached Lowtown and had the unenviable task of breaking the news to her friend. I remembered Donnic fondly then. He was a good man and did not deserve to meet such a fate. The bitter sadness I felt for his loss, considering the identity of his charge, stirred familiar resentments, but that was a matter for another time. I decided there and then to take out my grief on Anders. It felt appropriate. I chose not to burden Hawke with any of this, for I felt no doubt this revelation would impale her soul with more turmoil than she could reasonably be expected to handle at that time. Of course I know now that this would have been no revelation. My Hawke was not only beautiful but wise, and she knew me too well.  
It was many weeks before we landed in Gwaren. In truth I think most of us lost track of time. It seemed to pass differently at sea. With little more to do than play Wicked Grace, we spent many hours isolated from one another, both physically and mentally. No doubt our thoughts where of a similar nature. The individual questions we'd all ask the ether, falling on deaf ears and receiving nothing that would pass for a definitive answer. Even Hawke and I spent a great deal of time apart during that voyage. With hindsight I realise nothing had changed between us. Our love was a strong as it had ever been, but I began to wonder if she was slipping from my grasp at the time. She seemed so distant, so distracted. I gave her space and time when I felt it was required but I longed to remain at her side until her smile returned.

Finally ashore, and finding our land legs again, I sensed that a weight may have been lifted from Hawke's shoulders. Perhaps it was being back in Ferelden after so long away from her homeland. Perhaps it was relief that so far as we could tell, no one had followed us or awaited our arrival. Perhaps it was simply the respite from vomiting at last; she did not travel well. Whatever the cause, her renewed aura of calm was contagious and I was not the only one to breath a covert sigh of relief. I'm glad she didn't fully know just how much we all looked to her for how to feel, how to react. The responsibility of that may have been too much and I would not have wished to see her take on any more pressure. My Hawke was strong in both body and soul, but she was not invincible. Little did I know back then how soon that fact would become an actuality.  
We said goodbye to Isabella one week after our arrival. We could tell the waves where willing her back to them almost as soon as we set foot on dry land. She was in her element out on the ocean and as we spent those first few nights in the local Tavern, drowning all of our fears in cheap ale, a part of her seemed to have been left aboard her ship. Now that we had all witnessed our Pirate Queen's natural state in action, the contrast was impossible not to notice. It was of no surprise then, when she announced, in the middle of a round of drinks, her imminent departure planned for the following morning. She was sure Hawke would attempt to coerce her into staying and so left her announcement as late as possible. I'm certain she thought the added inebriation would also help avoid that inevitability. Hawke was known for sleeping in quite late after one of our nights at the tavern. Isabella and her ship where long gone by the time she awoke the next day.  
The next few months where spent travelling across Ferelden, never staying in one place long enough to arouse suspicion, finding food and favour where we could. It wasn't a bad life. We had our high spirits, our blades and our wits about us and every day was rounded off with laughter and ale if it was available. Varric kept us entertained with tall tales. He never failed to find the chink in our lower moods and never seemed to tire of succeeding to raise an eyebrow, or a smile. Without doubt, the time we spent living hand to mouth and sleeping on hard ground was made dramatically more bearable by Varric and his mirthful ways. That was until the 'news' arrived.  
With contacts across Thedas, Varric would often take his leave of camp to meet with an 'old friend' as he would put it. He'd be gone for days at a time. We had grown accustomed to these absences and did not overly concern ourselves. However, one such trip had Hawke's brow furrowed and her anxiety was palpable. The winter was starting to set in. Ferelden winter was a bleak affair. As the nights drew in, it was actually a blessed relief to take pause from the murky grey skies and the barren, brown landscape. Varric's last words to Hawke had been a light-hearted reassurance that this trip would be a short one. Neither she nor I had taken him seriously of course. He always gave such promises and we had learnt to take his words with the kind of discard that only those fondly familiar could. That had been just short of a week ago and still no sign of his return.  
Another week later and even I couldn't lay Hawke's fears to rest. In truth I wouldn't have had the will to try, I too feared the worst.  
Finally, word arrived, clutched tightly in the gloved hands of a rather frenetic dwarf boy. As Hawke read the brief contents of the crumpled note, the boy, who could have been no more than fifteen, shuffled about as if ants had infested his shoes. Considering the numerous holes in them, it would not have been surprising if they had. His mop of untidy black hair hung over his eyes but did little to conceal them darting about in every direction. He was starting to make me feel uncomfortable. Turning to Hawke hoping to read the expression on her face, I needn't have exerted myself. It was clear something was wrong. The note could not have taken long to read, written as it was on such a small scrap of paper, yet Hawke's eyes still moved from left to right as I watched. I gathered she felt the need to read and re-read in order to properly digest the information, her brow furrowing more as she did so. Finally she handed the boy, who by this time was almost jogging on the spot, some coin and bade him farewell with a nod before handing me the note. It briefly occurred to me that at one stage in my life this would have been a pointless act. I had only known how to read since Hawke herself had taught me back in Kirkwall. Tevinter slaves where not permitted to learn. I almost laughed out loud as this memory flashed across my mind, but the impulse was fleeting as I took in the words before my eyes.  
It simply read -_ Don't look for me_.


End file.
